King of Thieves Read online

  Blackout.

  SCENE 9

  Men’s club for bankers. GREEN, MERCER, and HALLIWELL stand around a painting of J.P. Morgan that floats before them. They hold glasses raised in a toast.

  HALLIWELL

  For all that he gave …

  GREEN

  And all that he took.

  HALLIWELL

  For teaching us that taking can look like giving …

  MERCER

  And that giving can be a way to take.

  HALLIWELL

  To John Pierpont Morgan … the banker’s banker.

  ALL

  To J.P.

  They drink, then sit in three large leather chairs as the painting ascends to heaven. They watch it disappear, then turn abruptly to business.

  MERCER

  I can’t stop thinking we should have cancelled the European debt.

  GREEN

  Seven billion dollars? Told them to just forget about it and get on with their business?

  MERCER

  Well, their business now seems to be seeking reparations from the Germans, and I have a feeling that’s not going to end well.

  HALLIWELL

  I think the Rothschilds should pay it. They made the most on that war.

  GREEN

  I thought we did.

  HALLIWELL

  Well, when all is settled, I mean. They’re owed a bundle.

  MERCER

  Yes, they are. The British Rothschilds loaned to the British. The French Rothschilds loaned to the French, and the German Rothschilds loaned to … well, they might have some trouble collecting. It should take some time for Germany to recover financially.

  GREEN

  If they ever do.

  He stands and gestures to PEACHUM and MAC, who approach. MAC, his hair slicked back, is wearing a false moustache and carrying a rolled-up canvas. Like a very impressed peasant, he looks around at the opulence.

  GREEN

  Our guests …

  HALLIWELL and MERCER stand. Two more leather chairs magically appear.

  GREEN

  (to MAC and PEACHUM) Welcome.

  MERCER

  Please. Make yourselves comfortable.

  HALLIWELL

  Can we get you something to drink?

  PEACHUM

  No. Thank you.

  MAC

  (in an Italian accent) Yes. Please … if not too much trouble, some whisky for my cold.

  MERCER nods to no one in particular, and a glass of whisky on a tray floats towards MAC. He takes the glass and the tray floats away again.

  MERCER

  (to GREEN and HALLIWELL) Gentlemen, I believe you’re familiar with my friend Mr. Peachum.

  GREEN nods.

  HALLIWELL

  Peachum …

  MERCER

  What you might not know is that Peachum has on many occasions helped me facilitate entry into –

  HALLIWELL

  (chuckles) Facilitate entry?

  GREEN

  (to PEACHUM) You help him get it in, do you?

  HALLIWELL

  I have to assist one of my stallions with that as well. (to MERCER) You poor bastard, if you’re half as embarrassed as that horse is …

  GREEN and HALLIWELL chuckle.

  MERCER

  Idiots. I was talking about entry into the country for certain –

  PEACHUM

  I have a lot of contacts on the docks and in the customs department, so when entry needs to be –

  MERCER

  When there’s a certain urgency –

  HALLIWELL

  Got it. He lays down a few bribes and your contraband gets into your grubby little hands without further delay. So he’s a crook with connections just like we’ve heard. (gesturing to MAC) And who’s he? Another crook?

  PEACHUM

  This is my associate … Mr. Battisti.

  MAC

  No, Carlo. Please. Justa Carlo …

  GREEN

  (to MAC) And Mr. Peachum the “facilitator” and Justa Carlo … they have a proposition of some kind for us?

  PEACHUM

  Yes, we do.

  MAC

  (to GREEN) But first I wanna give you a little something, okay, my friend? (handing him the roll) I think maybe this thing, it belonged to you.

  GREEN

  (unrolling) The Monet … (to MAC) Where’d you get this?

  MAC

  Thatsa not important. I got it. Now you got it. (to PEACHUM) Okay, now you can tell ’em.

  PEACHUM

  Mr. Battisti here … Carlo … has an idea, a plan you all might want to take part in before you go on the run.

  GREEN

  Excuse me?

  HALLIWELL

  On the run?

  PEACHUM

  Yes. Well, it’s all about to collapse, isn’t it?

  HALLIWELL

  What is?

  PEACHUM

  Your banks for one thing. Why you looking so surprised? Wasn’t that the idea? When the calf is as fat as it can get, slaughter the thing.

  MAC

  No, no, first you gotta make the calf skinny again, so it looksa like it died from, you know, natural causes.

  PEACHUM

  Yeah, that’s definitely more like it. Thanks …

  MAC

  Sure …

  PEACHUM

  (to GREEN) So when it dies … so skinny there’s not enough left to feed everyone … well, you don’t want to be here so –

  GREEN

  Now, wait a minute –

  PEACHUM

  – you gotta pull whatever you still got in the system right out.

  MAC

  Sure thing. And thatsa gotta happen fast …

  PEACHUM

  Real fast. And then you all grab your account books and take a hike for a while with whatever you got stashed away. And you only come back when they need you and your money to bring all those things that collapsed, all those businesses, all those properties … back to life.

  MAC

  Bring the calf back to life. Poof! Hey, it’s a miracle! Thank you so much, Mr. Bankers. I kissa yo feet.

  PEACHUM

  That sort of the way it’s gonna go?

  MERCER looks at his colleagues. GREEN and HALLIWELL shrug.

  MERCER

  If we’re lucky …

  PEACHUM

  Yeah, because if people get wind of what you’re planning before you pull all your own money out … well, you could wind up with –

  MAC

  Not too much.

  PEACHUM

  It’s a big gamble.

  MERCER

  Very big … (looking at HALLIWELL like it’s his fault)

  PEACHUM

  Which is why we thought you’d be interested in something much less risky. (to MAC) Tell them.

  MAC

  Sure … But one thing I gotta know is who I should be talking to when we get this thing going … which one of you guys is the smartest?

  GREEN, MERCER, and HALLIWELL all raise their hands.

  MAC

  Okay, thatsa funny … But the truth this time, no messing around, okay … the one who’s the smartest anda the richest, put your hand down …

  GREEN, MERCER, and HALLIWELL all put their hands down.

  MAC

  (to PEACHUM) Really funny, guys. I like them. I like them a lot.

  GREEN, MERCER, and HALLIWELL look at each other, defiant. MAC and PEACHUM share a smile.

  Blackout.

  SCENE 10

  MAC and PEACHUM walk through the park. They pass a man (an INNOCENT CIVILIAN) with a gun to his head.

  MAC

  Do you think he knows something we don’t?

  PEACHUM

  We could always ask him. You worried about something in particular?

  The INNOCENT CIVILIAN makes the sign of the cross.

  MAC

  Well, I’ve been following the market and I think those banker boys in there might have alre
ady –

  The INNOCENT CIVILIAN blows his brains out. MAC and PEACHUM look back.

  MAC

  – put their “idea” in play.

  PEACHUM

  So we’ll move fast then. Have you tried this scam out before?

  They watch as BEGGARS appear from nowhere, take the dead man’s belongings, and scurry off.

  MAC

  No. This is its maiden voyage. I thought we’d need something big to get them heated up.

  One of the BEGGARS puts on the dead man’s shoes.

  PEACHUM

  And the alias?

  MAC

  Signor Battisti has done most of his damage in the Napoli area … so –

  PEACHUM

  It’s harder to check out … But it can still be done …

  MAC

  Those men are gamblers. They look and sound legit, but, at heart, they like the fast buck and the risky venture.

  The BEGGAR with the shoes slowly walks off, showing them with pride to PEACHUM and MAC as he leaves.

  PEACHUM

  Usually with other people’s money, though.

  MAC and PEACHUM continue to walk.

  MAC

  Yeah, and if we’d given them that option … But this only works if people know they’ve put in their own money first. That’s what lures the suckers …

  PEACHUM

  You mean the investors.

  MAC

  And when the “investors” have put in their money, our banker friends will think they have the opportunity to remove as much of it as they can before anyone is the wiser …

  PEACHUM

  Under normal circumstances … if we weren’t just setting them up for the government, and it all played out …

  MAC

  When would we spoil their fun and take the money for ourselves? Probably as soon as it was moved to that Florida bank.

  PEACHUM

  How?

  MAC

  I didn’t get that far in my thinking.

  PEACHUM

  And it sounded so promising up until then …

  MAC

  Well, it’s just supposed to keep your fed friends happy and you out of jail. So what was the point in thinking it further?

  PEACHUM

  Well, I can’t help wondering.

  MAC

  About what?

  PEACHUM

  About when you’ll decide to screw the feds and me and go for the money. Not that I’d blame you. It’ll be a tidy sum.

  MAC

  Yeah. Lucky for you I’ve never really been in it for the money.

  PEACHUM

  Is there anyone who believes you when you tell them that?

  MAC

  Only Polly. Because she does it for the same reason I do. She loves the life.

  PEACHUM

  We wanted something better for her.

  MAC

  I didn’t corrupt her, no matter what you think. She always knew she didn’t belong in those posh schools or with those tidy rich kids you worked so hard to surround her with. She belongs where she is now, and I gotta tell you … she has talent. She pilfers with the best of them. And she has nerves of steel. She reminds Pork of you at your best.

  PEACHUM

  Really. I suppose it could be in the blood.

  MAC

  That’s what she thinks. And she’s grateful to you because of it.

  PEACHUM

  Really? That’s nice to hear.

  They walk off.

  Blackout.

  SCENE 11

  The Bluebird Club. JENNY and TINA are at the microphone. MAC, POLLY, and VINNIE, at one table, applaud as JENNY and TINA bow and leave the stage. At a second table, PORK sits with IVES, who is whistling his approval. PEACHUM, MYRNA, BROWN, and STRINGER sit at a third table. A banner across the stage reads “1928 Thief of the Year.”

  VINNIE

  (bounding to the stage) Thank you, ladies. Fantastic. That was Jenny. And her lovely sister Tina … who has recently returned to us from a short stay upstate. The Bluebird Girls. Appearing every night until … (to JENNY) Until when?

  TINA

  (leaving) Until we get a better offer.

  VINNIE

  In other words, until hell freezes over …

  JENNY and TINA leave.

  VINNIE

  And now without further ado … tonight’s special presentation.

  PORK

  (standing) Hey, hold on. What about the testimonials?

  VINNIE

  The what?

  PORK

  You know … stories about the capers I went on, told by all my pals.

  VINNIE

  Well, I guess they didn’t want to incriminate themselves … So you’ll just have to come up here and get your plaque, or shut your mouth and sit back down so we can forget the whole stupid thing.

  PORK

  Nice talk …

  He starts up to the stage.

  VINNIE

  Okay, let’s have some applause for tonight’s guest of honour and the Bluebird Club’s thief of the year. Mr. Gerald “Pork” Hanlon.

  PORK takes the stage to the modest applause of the crowd. IVES jumps to his feet, cheering.

  PORK

  Thank you. Thanks. Thanks … (to IVES) Yeah … okay. You can sit down. (to OTHERS) So yeah. Thanks … And I gotta tell you, this means a helluva lot to me.

  MYRNA

  (has been drinking) Why? It’s an award you made up and then gave to yourself.

  PORK

  Which doesn’t mean I don’t deserve it.

  MYRNA

  Horse crap!

  PORK

  Hey! My two biggest heroes are here to see me get this, and that makes it like the torch is being passed or something. From, like, the kings of thieves … to, you know, the prince.

  MYRNA

  Horse crap! You’re the prince of thieves like I’m the queen of New Hampshire.

  PORK

  I don’t get the reference.

  PEACHUM

  (quieting MYRNA) She’s drunk. Just get on with it.

  MAC

  Yeah. Give the man his plaque and let him sit down.

  VINNIE

  (presenting PORK his small plaque) Here you go. And congratulations on a pretty good haul and, for the first time in your career, not getting nicked even once.

  PORK lifts the plaque and leaves the stage. MAC, BROWN, MYRNA, and PEACHUM settle together at a table in the corner.

  BROWN

  You think this might become a yearly tradition?

  PEACHUM

  Only if there’s someone deserving.

  BROWN

  You mean, someone who thinks he’s deserving. I mean it is self-awarded.

  MYRNA

  Right. The whole thing’s a pile of horse crap!

  MYRNA gets up to join POLLY and VINNIE. IVES and PORK try to join STRINGER at his table. He objects and they begin to exchange words.

  MAC

  (to PORK) What’s the problem over there?!

  IVES

  He was all alone so we thought we’d join him!

  PORK

  And he started to insult us. Didn’t want to share his table with a couple of low-lifes.

  MAC

  So leave him alone then!

  PORK

  Screw that. He’s gonna sit there and be nice to us!

  PORK goes to sit and STRINGER kicks the chair away. PORK falls on his rear.

  IVES

  Well, that was just rude!

  IVES goes after STRINGER and they get into it. PORK joins in but STRINGER is more than a match for both of them.

  PEACHUM

  Do you want this stopped? Your man’s outmatched.

  BROWN

  You think so?

  They all watch the brawl for a while. MYRNA in particular seems to be enjoying it.

  BROWN

  (above the din) I want to hear a little bit more about your meeting!

  PEACHUM

  The
y’re interested, like I said!

  BROWN

  And who’s this other guy Battisti you took along?! The one with the actual scheme?!

  MAC

  (in an Italian accent) Thatsa me. Carlo Battisti from Palermo! Not to worry, boys. I did the same kinda thing back home. Big success! (dropping accent) I even got newspaper clippings. (pulls them out)

  STRINGER has now flattened both IVES and PORK. MYRNA brings him a celebratory drink and VINNIE starts to clean up.

  BROWN

  (looks at clippings) I can’t read Italian.

  MAC

  (in accent) They say I’m big crook. I steal millions from poor investors, but police, they cannot find me.

  PEACHUM

  We go prepared.

  BROWN

  Good for you. And they’ll know for sure they’re getting involved in something illegal. I can’t have them claiming they were duped.

  PEACHUM

  Only a moron would think this was legit.

  POLLY joins their table.

  POLLY

  Can we go home now?

  MAC

  Pretty soon, yeah.

  POLLY

  (to PEACHUM) Momma’s drunk. She’s probably gonna start taking her clothes off pretty soon.

  PEACHUM

  Well, as long as she’s happy … (taking her han d) We didn’t get a chance to chat.

  POLLY

  No. We didn’t. How are you?

  PEACHUM

  Okay.

  POLLY

  Me too. (a short, awkward silence) Well, it’s been lovely. (to MAC) You better go scrape your boys off the floor.

  MAC stands.

  MAC

  (to BROWN) Don’t worry, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine.

  MAC heads to PORK and IVES.

  POLLY

  You get my man in any real trouble, Mr. Brown, and you’ll have me to answer to.

  She meets up with MAC, who is helping IVES and PORK out of the club. MYRNA is heading for the stage.

  PEACHUM

  (gesturing to MYRNA) Here she goes.

  MYRNA

  Okay, where’s my music? And not any of that boom-boom stuff either. My act’s a lot classier than that, if any of you remember.

  She struggles to take off her shirt, twisting and turning and finally falling on the floor. PEACHUM stands.

  PEACHUM

  (to BROWN) Excuse me.

  PEACHUM goes to the stage. STRINGER makes his way to join BROWN.

  PEACHUM

  (lifting MYRNA) Okay, sweetheart. Time for bed.

  They start off.

  MYRNA

  How’d I do?

  PEACHUM

  You left them breathless …

  They leave. STRINGER sits across from BROWN.

  STRINGER

  You’re sure we need these vermin?