King of Thieves Read online

  STRINGER

  Is that a functional weapon, ma’am?

  MYRNA

  (holding up the pieces) Not at the moment. (smiling) It’s just an old keepsake. I clean it weekly. Out of respect.

  STRINGER

  Do you have bullets for it?

  MYRNA

  There are probably some around.

  STRINGER

  Can I have them?

  MYRNA

  Why? Are you worried I might shoot you?

  STRINGER

  I just want the bullets, okay?

  MYRNA

  You look tired. Why don’t you go inside and have a nap?

  STRINGER

  I don’t nap on duty, ma’am.

  MYRNA

  Well, why don’t you go inside anyway? The way you’re standing there makes me feel kinda uneasy. It’s like you’re guarding me or something.

  STRINGER

  I am guarding you.

  MYRNA

  You’re supposed to be protecting me. There’s a difference, you know. Did your boss tell you I might try to run?

  STRINGER

  I don’t talk about what my boss says to me, ma’am.

  MYRNA

  I think you should make an exception. Did he tell you to take my bullets? Did he tell you I might shoot you? Did he tell you I was an untrustworthy old hag who shoulda stayed in the gutter?

  PEACHUM enters in shirt sleeves.

  MYRNA

  I want him to go inside.

  PEACHUM

  (to STRINGER) She’s embarrassed because you’re so close to her. She has a condition. She looks almost perfect from a distance, but, if you get too near her, you can tell she has these little bumps all over her skin.

  MYRNA

  He thinks I might try to escape.

  PEACHUM

  (to STRINGER) Escape to where? She has no friends, and all our money has been seized. So unless you’ve become transfixed by my wife’s intoxicating beauty …

  STRINGER

  I’ll be in the next room … (to MYRNA) But I won’t be napping. And I expect to receive that ammunition by end of day.

  STRINGER leaves.

  MYRNA

  Tight-assed prick. Only way he gets any of my bullets is if I put a few of them in his head. Can’t you convince them it’s not necessary for him to be here?

  PEACHUM

  I’ll see what I can do.

  PEACHUM finishes assembling the pistol with blinding efficiency.

  MYRNA

  What you said before about our money being seized.

  PEACHUM

  Just what they could find.

  MYRNA

  So we’ll be okay no matter what happens?

  PEACHUM

  Depends on what you mean by “okay.”

  MYRNA

  I mean not poor. What the hell else would I mean?

  PEACHUM

  Well, there’s some chance we might be dead. I’m going to help them bring down some very important people. So the thing is, the feds might have to hide us away for a while.

  MYRNA

  And in what kind of place would we be hiding, dearest?

  PEACHUM

  If you mean will you have all your current amenities, I can’t guarantee that.

  MYRNA

  Remember who you’re talking to. I lived most of my life without any friggin’ amenities. But I’ll need a certain amount of comfort. I like the look of those new trailer parks. They can put us in one of those. As long as we’ve got enough socked away so I won’t have to –

  PEACHUM

  You’ll never have to take your clothes off for money again. Unless you get the urge. Do you ever get that urge? I mean to be onstage with dozens of men looking at you? And wanting so badly to –

  MYRNA

  Careful now, you’re getting all worked up. I told you, there’ll be no hanky-panky until you have that heart test. And don’t you start drinking behind my back again either. You do that, your liver’s gonna explode and you’ll be stone cold dead in less than a minute. You’ve been told that by half a dozen doctors.

  PEACHUM

  But never with so much sensitivity.

  MYRNA

  All that hard living you did when you were younger has taken its toll. You’re not the man you were.

  PEACHUM

  I know. The man I was would have escaped this trap. That fed scooped me up like I was a dying carp.

  MYRNA

  So do what he wants, and we’ll get on with our lives.

  PEACHUM

  Not so easy, my sweet. He wants me to come up with a scheme to lure some very clever men to their destruction.

  MYRNA

  You’re pretty clever yourself.

  PEACHUM

  I think I need Mac.

  MYRNA

  Mac? Now, why would he work with you after what you tried to do to him?

  PEACHUM

  I’m sure he’s realized that was just a father’s rage.

  MYRNA

  Well, just keep the bastard away from me or I might damage that pretty face of his. He tricked our daughter into marrying him, I’m sure of it. Somehow he got that dear, sweet girl to become the wife of the most despicable criminal alive.

  PEACHUM

  Is that what you think he is?

  MYRNA

  That’s what everyone thinks he is.

  PEACHUM

  (sadly) Really. People used to think I was the most despicable criminal alive.

  MYRNA

  Well, these things ebb and flow. Mac’s just had a lot of publicity lately.

  She hugs him. He hugs her back, tightly. Grabs her rear. Snuggles her breasts.

  MYRNA

  I told you that’s not gonna happen.

  PEACHUM

  But I’m kinda down in the dumps, sweetness. And it might give me a lift.

  MYRNA

  (grabbing his crotch) Feels like it already has. Okay. But just a quick one.

  They kiss. Passionately.

  Blackout.

  SCENE 5

  The Bluebird Club. VINNIE is complaining to POLLY about how much he has to pay to the local don for protection. PORK is drinking with a drunken SOCIALITE while IVES looks on.

  VINNIE

  Thirty percent. That’s a ten percent increase. I told him I couldn’t survive it, but he doesn’t give a shit. And what’s it for? I still got coppers busting me twice a month. You think Mac could have a word?

  POLLY

  No. Mac won’t get involved in any of that nonsense you Italians do to each other.

  VINNIE

  But he kinda owes me … The reason that fat-assed Gaspardi’s being so unreasonable is because I get my booze from Mac and not him. Look, I know they got a few joint ventures goin’, so just a word or two might –

  POLLY

  I’ll put it to him, but like I said –

  JENNY comes running in.

  JENNY

  They got Mac!

  POLLY

  (standing) They shot him?

  JENNY

  No, they took him. We were outside talking and … all of a sudden they just jumped him, threw him in a car, and took off.

  PORK and IVES rush over.

  IVES

  (leaving) What kind of car …

  JENNY

  Black.

  PORK

  Black. Yeah, that helps. Jesus … (to IVES) Let’s go …

  PORK and IVES hurry off. POLLY has been staring at JENNY. JENNY just now notices.

  JENNY

  What?

  POLLY

  (approaching) Just like that, eh? They just appeared outta nowhere and took him …

  JENNY

  Yeah …

  POLLY

  That means they must have been waiting.

  JENNY

  No, I told you they just pulled up …

  POLLY

  No, they’d be waiting. Waiting for you to bring him out.

  JENNY


  I think you better watch what you’re saying …

  POLLY

  (getting close to her) How much they pay you?

  JENNY

  I told you to watch –

  POLLY

  (closer) What do they want with him?

  JENNY

  I don’t know what you’re talking about. So back off before I –

  POLLY

  (very, very close) If they hurt him, you’re dead. You got that, you pathetic slut? I’ll find you and slit your friggin’ throat!

  POLLY pushes JENNY hard. JENNY crashes into the table and falls. POLLY hurries out.

  JENNY

  You think you scare me, little girl? You think you’re any match for me?!

  Blackout.

  SCENE 6

  The PEACHUM garden. MYRNA is cleaning a shotgun. POLLY is pacing.

  MYRNA

  That’s just terrible. And God only knows what they’ll do to him.

  POLLY

  I need Daddy’s help.

  MYRNA

  Well, that’s a change in attitude. The last time you were here, you told him to go rot in hell.

  POLLY

  I’d just found out he’d arranged to have my husband put in jail.

  MYRNA

  Well, he’d just found out the bastard was your husband. Besides, that was mostly Jenny’s doing.

  POLLY

  Something she denies.

  MYRNA

  She denies flying into a jealous rage when she found out he married you? Please. Anyway, who you gonna believe, that little tramp or your own mother?

  POLLY

  I guess I’ll just flip a coin … So where is he?

  MYRNA

  Who?

  POLLY

  Daddy. Who else?

  MYRNA

  I thought you might be implying I know where Mac is.

  POLLY

  Do you?

  MYRNA

  No. And I resent the question.

  POLLY

  How about Daddy?

  MYRNA

  I’m sure he’d resent the question too. Have you been to the police?

  POLLY

  Why the hell would I go to the police?

  MYRNA

  Maybe it’s them who took Mac.

  POLLY

  And why would they ask Jenny to help them do it?

  MYRNA

  Because she’s done it before, like I tried to tell you.

  POLLY

  It’s more likely she got paid to help someone he’s in competition with take him.

  MYRNA

  Except a snatch is usually a street-punk thing and, according to you, Mac doesn’t operate on that level anymore. He’s advanced to – what did you call it – “trading” things. What kind of things you never mentioned.

  POLLY

  Valuable things …

  MYRNA

  And that’s all you’ll tell me about it. You don’t trust your own mother?

  POLLY

  Well, maybe if you weren’t married to my father.

  MYRNA

  Your father wouldn’t have any interest in hearing the details of Mac’s goings-on. He’s legit now and doing very well, as you can tell by our surroundings.

  POLLY

  So what’s the scattergun for?

  MYRNA

  Well, the more you have, the more you stand to lose. There are thieves everywhere in this city.

  POLLY

  Most of them trained by you and your husband.

  MYRNA

  And many of them resentful of our success. Especially your husband.

  POLLY

  Mac’s already got the only thing worth taking from you. Me.

  MYRNA

  And we’re very happy for you both. Your father was saying just the other day it was probably time to mend fences with Mac.

  POLLY

  Because?

  MYRNA

  Well, we’d like to see you more often for one thing. And the truth is, no matter how sour things turned between them, your father always had a soft spot for Mac –

  POLLY

  Yeah well, then maybe he’ll help me find out where he is.

  MYRNA

  I’m sure he will … if he can. Now, can we talk about something more pleasant than your husband’s mysterious disappearance for a while?

  POLLY

  Kidnapping, Momma. My husband has been kidnapped … and you want to talk about something more … pleasant?!

  MYRNA

  Well, only to keep your mind off it.

  POLLY

  I don’t want to keep my mind off it. (leaving) Just tell Daddy what’s happened and that I need his help.

  MYRNA

  And I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear that. (yelling after her) That you need his help, I mean! He’ll be glad to hear that! (to hersel f) Not that your bastard husband might be lying in a ditch with his heart cut out.

  She continues to clean the shotgun.

  SCENE 7

  A bag on his head, under a bare light bulb, MAC is tied to a chair in a warehouse.

  MAC

  If I was an introspective man, I’d be taking time now to reflect upon my life, all my accomplishments, my many loves, the charming idiosyncrasies of my dearest friends … trying to give it all some meaning, trying to soothe myself and prepare to meet my possible death with courage and good grace … But since I’m not an introspective man … I’ll just spend the time thinking up a way to escape and get my revenge.

  Footsteps on the hard floor. Two people approach. PEACHUM and STRINGER walk into the light and head towards MAC.

  MAC

  Ah, at last. Some company.

  PEACHUM

  (to STRINGER) What did I tell you? The man does not scare easily.

  MAC

  Peachum, you conniving old bastard. You couldn’t find another way to tell me you’ve missed me? Who’s this?

  PEACHUM

  His name is Stringer.

  MAC

  He looks like a fed.

  PEACHUM

  He is.

  MAC

  And he’s a friend of yours?

  PEACHUM

  Not exactly.

  MAC

  Not exactly … meaning?

  STRINGER

  Not at all.

  PEACHUM

  (undoing rope) Don’t blame Jenny for this, by the way. She had no choice.

  MAC

  Well, she could’ve given up her life for me. There was a time she would have done that.

  PEACHUM

  No, there wasn’t.

  MAC

  Yeah, you’re probably right. So what is it you want from me?

  STRINGER

  We have a proposition for you.

  MAC

  A proposition involving him? (to PEACHUM) Doesn’t he know how much we dislike each other?

  PEACHUM

  He doesn’t care.

  MAC

  Interesting. By the way, aren’t you going to ask how your daughter is?

  PEACHUM

  Well, since you know what will happen if you don’t, I assume you’re taking very good care of her.

  STRINGER

  Can we get to it now?

  PEACHUM

  Go ahead …

  STRINGER

  Well, first things first. When I start to talk, I don’t want to be interrupted.

  MAC

  Well, that’s gonna be hard if you keep saying things like that. (to PEACHUM) A lot of these bureau guys think they’re God or something. Have you noticed that?

  PEACHUM

  It’s only recently that I started spending time with them.

  MAC

  They’ve got something on you, eh?

  PEACHUM

  Yeah, I’m afraid they do.

  MAC

  And there’s no way out?

  PEACHUM

  None that I could come up with.

  MAC

  (to STRINGER) Okay, then I’m i
n.

  STRINGER

  Just like that. Without hearing what it is?

  MAC

  Hey, we’re family. If he needs my help … You seem kinda disappointed.

  STRINGER

  I was hoping I’d get to beat you a little before you agreed.

  MAC

  (to PEACHUM) You hear that? He wanted to torture me.

  STRINGER

  No. Torture isn’t sanctioned. Who said anything about torture?

  PEACHUM

  You did.

  STRINGER

  I said I would have liked to beat him. There’s a difference.

  MAC

  What is it?

  STRINGER

  I’d have to show you. And I can’t …

  MAC

  Because it’s not sanctioned?

  STRINGER

  Not at the moment, no.

  PEACHUM and MAC just share a look.

  Blackout.

  SCENE 8

  POLLY and MAC’s bedroom. POLLY is on the edge of the bed, head bowed. She is crying. MAC enters quietly, looks at her.

  MAC

  Why so sad?

  POLLY

  (looking up) Oh, thank God … (running to him) Are you all right? Did they hurt you? Who were they? Do you want to go back and murder them all? Or have you already done that? If you didn’t, can we go do that together right now?

  MAC

  Well, maybe we should –

  POLLY

  No, no, I want to kill whoever did this to you. (kissing him) I was so scared I’d lost you. Because there are so many people who’d like to see you dead, aren’t there? I mean when you think about it. So, so many … So are they dead? Or should we go take care of that?

  MAC

  I thought maybe we could eat something first.

  POLLY

  No. Kill now. Eat later. Come on … (starting of f) What are you waiting for? Let’s go!

  MAC

  (grabbing her) You really do care for me, don’t you? I mean your feelings for me are actually quite …

  POLLY

  Genuine? Yes. You didn’t know that?

  MAC

  Well, I wasn’t absolutely sure until I saw how upset you were … And then when you said you wanted us to do some killing together … well, that’s a special kind of love. When a man feels that he’s loved like that, he wants to put in extra effort. You know, to make sure he actually deserves it.

  He kisses her.

  POLLY

  You going to do that now? Put in extra effort?

  MAC

  Yeah …

  POLLY

  And then we can go kill whoever was responsible for making me so afraid you were dead?

  MAC

  Sure. If you’re still in the mood after I tell you who it was.

  They kiss. This one is much longer, more passionate.